Wacked out Christmas Special
by cloudthatlookslikeacrown
Summary: Now, I don't own Christmas, or anything else in my story. But this is my idea, and I worked hard on it, and the title doesn't even give the best parts away...
1. Chapter 1

Alright! My first story, and it's gonna be about Christmas, kinda. It involves Santa, at least. And that elf who wanted to be a dentist, just cause I've always wanted him to be a super villain. I loved those Christmas specials… but here goes!

So there was Santa Clause ( E.G. Chris Kringle, Saint Nick, etc.), lying face down in a snow bank, listening to the whir of sounds around him, when suddenly, he realized that none of the readers would know what was going on. So he yelled at me to start from the beginning, so now we have to go back a couple weeks.

It was two weeks before Christmas Eve, and that elf who wanted to be a dentist ( is his name Dennis?) was sleeping under a tree outside Santa's workshop. He was supposed to be helping make toys, since the elves were in a huge rush because they put this off til the last minute. You see, over the summer they contacted their union, and after some legal stuff, cough, cough, they were given the summer season off on paid vacation. Then, when Fall swept in, they were all still lazy and fat, so now here we are, rushing to get things done. Anyway, there's this slacker who wants to be a dentist taking a nap, which obviously means he's in trouble.

"HERMY!", ( the head elf knows his name) " And just what in the north pole are you doing!? This is the last straw! You wanta be a dentist, do you?'

" Yes, sir, it's been my dream since-"

"I DON'T CARE! You can be a dentist, but you know what?"

" No, sir, I-"

" There's no room for 'dentists' in the north pole. You're outta here!!"

And with that, _Hermy _was expelled from the north pole. And what's worse, it was put on his resume.

And while all this was going on, Santa was busy doing Santa stuff. And when he was done, he took a head count of all the elves, just to make sure none of them had snuck off to Florida again, and he realized the weirdo who wanted to be a dentist wasn't there. After learning what had happened, he decided to go and find the elf before he turned into a super-villain seeking revenge on all the inhabitants of the north pole. And so he set off.

One week later

Hermy had been rejected by every respectable dentist office in Northeastern Pa, which happens to be where he ended up, and he was running out of ideas. At the moment, he is lying face down on the side of the street outside my house, out cold. And so I come to the rescue…

**To be continued…**

**That's not too bad, right? The next one will be more exciting, but I won't give away any of it.**


	2. Chapter 2

Ok! Now I shall continue my story, and if you're reading it then don't stop reading it until I am done with it. Got it? I can only ask. Alright, so when I left off, that weirdo was passed out in front of my house, and Santa was looking for him, and the elves were taking a fruitcake and eggnog break. O, wait, um… well, NOW they're taking a fruitcake and eggnog break. Here goes!

And so I come to the rescue…

6:43 P.M. One week before Christmas, I think.

And so Hermy wakes up in the home of a dashing young man whom at the moment is preoccupied poking at Hermy's funny hat.

"Waaaahhhh!" screams the elf as he is poked clear off the sofa by CTLLC.

"What are you?" plaintively asks the boy.

"I'm a dentist!" harshly responds the elf. ( The crushing of his dreams left him more bitter than he was in the last chapter, although he didn't do much in the last chapter. But now he's bitter.)

" You don't look like a dentist. You look like an elf. But you act like a dentist, what with the yelling and all. Are you an anti-elf?"

" I am now! They ruined my life! " and so Hermy starts sobbing uncontrollably and blubbers out his life story to the boy who really doesn't care.

"…and so you see, I'll never be a dentist! And I can't go back to being an elf, even if I wanted to." Readers, at this point you should know that, in my realm of fantasy, elves are very emotional and tend to have mood swings when they're upset, much like teenage girls.

"But I don't care!" roars Hermy ( case and point ) " I'm better than all of them! And I'll prove it, too!" The sudden lust for vengeance draws CTLLC's attention.

" Oooh, your eyes look like little flames! Keep it up, I'm gonna go get a camera!"

While CTLLC is off in the rest of the house, the elf paces the circular living room, muttering darkly to himself. "I'll show them, I'll show all of them, I'll show them that I don't have to be just another hard-working elf! I'll be better than them, I'll _rule _them! And when everyone is under my foot, then I'll force all of them to-"

"I'll, I'll, I'll, is that all you ever say? You need a lesson in team spirit! There's no 'I'll' in team. Or say they say." CTLLC has returned with his a camera.

"Who says that?!" snaps Mr. Grumpy elf.

"Didn't you hear me? _They_ do. Now, can you lean a little to the right? Perfect! You can continue your rant now."

"Alright, as I was saying, I will rule all of the north pole! And those work-a-holic, Christmas obsessed freaks will make toys NO MORE!" Shouts Hermy at the top of his voice, amid many camera flashes.

" Yeah! Work that hatred!"

" From now on, they will make things for me, and only me!"

"Ooh, rage! That's a nice shot, hold that pose right there."

"They will craft dental appliances, and construct dentists' offices in the place of Santa's workshops! Mwahahahahahaha!" While laughing maniacally, Hermy realizes that the flashes have stopped. " Hey, are you done shooting me?" The maniacal elf is frightened by the grim look in his host's eyes.

" Yes, yes I am. I don't want my camera soiled by some wanna-be Grinch. You can't stop the elves from making toys! Christmas is my favorite time of year!" The elf is left speechless, and experiencing two conflicting emotions: 1) The desire to keep the boy happy ( It's what elves do) and 2) His lust for revenge. Thinking on his feet, he smiles a thin and malevolent smile.

" Oh, of course, we need to think about the well being of Christmas! Well, don't you worry, I won't do anything to prevent Christmas…"

Meanwhile, Papa Noel was out with his favorite reindeer, Rudolph, searching for the missing elf. He keeps Rudolph around because his bulbous red nose is the only one bigger than Santa's himself. The reindeer was friends with the weirdo because they were both outcasts, freaks, and drama queens.

"But Santa! What if we don't find him by Christmas?"

"Why do we have to find him by Christmas?" asked Saint Nick gruffly.

" Because it builds suspense if we have a dramatic deadline to meet!"

"Oh, I see. Then the next chapter will be that more exciting!"

**To be continued…**

That went ok. I'd like to thank my lone reader, and anyone else who happened upon my humble work. Next one coming soon! Closer to Christmas, and farther apart then the first two were. More suspenseful!


	3. Chapter 3

Third chapter, and I haven't even gotten to the climax yet. But I'm almost there! And I'd like to thank the few, if not only, reader(s) who bothered with my story. THANK YOU. Ok, back to Hermy.

It's six days til Christmas, and we find our young, dentally-obsessed elf and his companion atop a pile of junk.

"… and this is supposed to be a doomsday device you're gonna use to travel to the north pole and take your revenge on the head elf?"

"Mmhmmm! You see, if we place that box here, and fill it with this stuff we found under your bed, it will serve as a base for the cockpit."

"Where's the sofa cushion go, chief?"

" On that bench, I'll need comfort when flying."

" Do I get a cushion?"

" You won't be riding up here."

"Huh?"

" You'll be in here."

" HUH?"

" Unless you have a giant hamster to go with your giant hamster wheel, then you'll be powering my flying-mobile."

"I did… couldn't you just get a plane?"

"No, this does other things as well."

"Like what?"

"Never you mind, just lift that television up on top of the refrigerator."

"Is that mine?!"

" Yup. Now lift!"

Among much grunting and bathroom breaks, Hermy and CTLLC put together the assortment of the boys possessions into what resembled a mini submarine, with a bunch of blinking lights on top. And at that point, the boy( who did most of the work) collapsed.

" Damn it! Now I'll have to postpone the hostile takeover of the north pole for another day! I can't go without my hamst-, ahem, friend. He's the power source for my death ray, I can't take down the big guy by myself…"

Speaking of Saint Nick…

Rudolph and Santa were flying over Cape Horn, and running out of time.

"How are we supposed to find one petit, colorfully dressed weirdo with no idea in the world where he is!" moaned Rudolph. The reindeer was losing his enthusiasm for the quest.

" Weren't you just going on and on about how much you wanted to find your freak friend yesterday? Where's your Christmas spirit!" retorted Chris Kringle.

" Where's your ho-ho-ho? And did you ever stop to consider that maybe he's happier where he is? Maybe, he's working as a dentist on the outskirts of Massachusetts? Stuff that idea down your stocking!"

" You're not a happy reindeer. And I thought about him turning into a vengeful elf with some sort of doomsday device. I thought the urgency of the situation called for immediate action."

" I should leave you here and fly home myself."

" Be my guest, I don't need your bad mood anyway."

"Fine!"

" …You're still here I see."

"One day I'll just walk out, see where you are without me."

"Obviously that's not today. Now onward! We have a lot of ground to cover." The reindeer and the fat man proceeded on, coming closer and closer to North America…

CTLLC slept soundly, blissfully unaware of his little companion's plans for Christmas, and himself. Actually, he was dreaming of an open window, and a tower, and a corridor. If you've got a dream dictionary, please alert us as to the meaning of this. Back to our story.

The elf paced up and down the now-empty living room, muttering last minute preparations to himself. Every now and then he would realize that he'd forgotten something and rush off to fetch it. Several hours later, all the Christmas decorations were torn down, most of the furniture was stapled together to form the machine in the garage, and the boy was propped up on a pile of left-over cushions, while he slept off his exhaustion from building the doomsday machine. Everything was set for tomorrow.

" Bring that crate over here!"

" That should be set on 'high', not 'med.'. Get out of the way!"

"Where's Winky with my coffee?!"

Santa's workshop was very busy, as the elves crafted last minutes presents at a feverish pace. Tempers were high, and no one wanted to be blamed if a single good child was left without their well-deserved gifts. The head elf especially was under pressure.

" Stop slacking! There's thirteen Portuguese children out there who all asked for teddy bears, so _why_ are there only _eleven_ teddy bears labeled for Portugal? Snap to it!"

There were only five days left to make toys, and all the machines were still had to run on high to get things done. There was precious little time for breaks, and the elves were run ragged from lack of sleep. The head elf understood their plight, but there was no time to be sympathetic. He had to push them to their very limits if he wanted to meet the deadline. And he wasn't about to take the heat from old man Kringle if it wasn't all done.

"Hey Jeremy! Where do you want the rocking horses bound for Spain?"

"There's a shelf behind the dolly bin for them!"

There was a lot of work to do.

It was dawn, and all his plans were about to unfold. Hermy smiled a grim smile, for he was about to accomplish his dream, several days in the making. It was time to wake CTLLC, and get his plans under way.

" Psst! Get up, today's the day!"

" Wassit? Oh! Today…"

And the pair looked out towards the dawn, signaling the beginning of the end of the north pole.

Ok, the end was kinda romantic, but the suspense is working for me. Next chapter coming soon!


End file.
